thoughts on growth - back in the city

back.

back; in this city that i left approximately 10 months ago. the first week of december i drove away with all my belongings and brought them back the first week of august. it's been almost a month and a half since then and i have yet to really settle in. perhaps it has something to do with the fact that the routine is different and everything to do with the fact that i am different. the streets look and feel the same, but they don't recognize me. my room is welcoming, but the rest of the apartment has remained neutral.

the people i knew here are not so different either; again, it's me. while some people have to travel the world to find themselves and often come home more confused, i realized much more about myself and what is important in my life while cut off from the world than i ever imagined possible. when everything about you is taken away: your clothes, your belongings, your personality, your opinion, your loved ones, friends, and even your hair... when you look like everyone else and have to lock up emotions and any trace of the person that you are inside of yourself, you know exactly what you want. pale faced and exhausted, you hold onto an image of the person you were before arriving, and in many ways it was like seeing myself for the first time. all the freedoms that we take for granted and the pettiness of so many things... it all disappears.

because of this, i've made goals. i know where i want to go,who i am now, and who i want to be in the future. i don't want my life to be something that simply happens to me. i hardly think this is being controlling and anal, but rather a step in taking responsibility for myself and what happens in my life. if the world is what you make of it, then you have to get off your ass and start making it into something.

and maybe i'm not so different after all. maybe i'm the same old me, but more aware of who that person actually is. me; simplified.

dancing days away

took an excursion to LA this weekend... and saw some things:

that was the last weekend i'll spend here. in four days, this coast will be left behind for another. while some dream of the opportunity to come here, i desperately miss my east coast. i miss my cobble stone and row homes. so much is going to happen in these next two weeks... and i feel unprepared for all of the changes that are required to take place so quickly. i'm apprehensive while excited. i have overstayed my welcome on this coast, if only by a week or so, but i feel it suddenly. there is an uneasiness in the air. we are itching to leave for our next assignments, to find apartments, go home, see family and friends that we left behind months ago. it's always this way...

when the philly winter hits, i'm sure i will miss a bit of the california warmth i've experienced here, but i will make it up with soft sweaters, fitted jackets, boots, warm cookies and milk in front of a warm fire when the snow is coming down outside, cuddled up next to someone. i've found more warmth and happiness in the dead of winter than in any rays from the sun.

until then... i wait, shifting in anticipation...

magically i will be gone: two weeks

two weeks.
two weeks.
1 4 d a y s.
two weeks.
thank god (little "g," of course). the weather here has been hit or miss since i arrived 10 weeks ago. may pretended like it was going to be nice, but more often than not stayed overcast. most of june was cloudy, but the locals referred to is as "june gloom" and so we assumed it would end in july. july 1st proved to be cloudy, but by july 3rd, the sun came out and shined through the holiday weekend. it continued to frequent us throughout the past two weeks until the other day when the weather become chilly and the clouds went back to hiding our rays of happiness.

in the mean time, i have been preparing to pack up all of my posessions here and move back to the east coast. i am not very motivated about the packing, but the planning is constantly on my mind. beds, china cabinets, mirrors, shelves, dining sets, and even felines have been acquired, a moving truck reserved, and an apartment awaits. lola (my car) and i will be heading back very soon, although not soon enough, and the better part of being graduated from college and out of officer commissioning school will begin. kitchens and furniture, hard wood floors and cobblestone streets, historic churches and sidewalks filled with locked up bicycles awaits! jill will join them, lola will find a home, and my new kitty will take ownership of my room and adjust to her new life in the city.

past present future

in 20 days, almost to the hour, i will be bound for philadelphia! my route has yet to be routed and motel reservations yet to be made, but the trip from california to pennsylvania by means of my hometown in indiana will start on the last day of july. by the dawning of august 1st, i will have exited california and not be back for quite some time.
back to my apartment with all of my lovely things and plans for the future...

the uninterupted cloud

there is a cloud that hovers above this state. the entire state. it must be, because i sit here day after day and observe the same weather conditions as the day before. california is not so sunny as they say and i am thoroughly convinced that the governor and all californians are in on some diabolical cover up to stimulate the tourist economy. "come to california where it is always nice and sunny, but be careful of getting sunburned!" oh sure, i'll watch out. that cloud might fall on me and the moisture that collects on my skin from the previously floating pond will attract the rays of the sun and make them all that much stronger, giving me third degree burns all over my body. i'll watch out. right after i leave and go to the east coast where we don't pretend not to have bad weather.

i guess there has even been an earthquake while i've been out here and i had no idea. the excitement is insurmountable.

the weekend of the 6th & 7th i was in the philadelphia region, attending a wedding. the weather was amazing. soon, i will be back there and i'll probably miss sandy beaches that i never go to and the depressingly dismal skyscape... ok ok, i'm sure this state is sunny sometimes. i was in oceanside, south of los angeles, for almost two weeks and it was gorgeous everyday. apparently the sun stays south of LA.

i really shouldn't blame california. i am the cloud... wishing i could drift back to the east coast.

ma'am could be a lady

i heart vintage.

this girl is now a ma'am

i suppose i've been gone for a while and my trades of anything have been sitting on the shelf collecting dust, if they haven't flown out of a window and been forgotten entirely. i spent time in newport, rhode island where i went through officer candidate school to begin my stint in the united states navy. that was not an enjoyable twelve weeks, but friends were made and we managed to have a pretty good time, reguardless of whether or not we were supposed to.

being in a trying environment and cut off from your friends and family for so long helps you to realize what is important, who you really are, and where you want to be in the future. i know myself better because of it and in the long run, i should be much happier.

graduation day was wonderful... my father and sister came to watch the formal parade and then we zoomed off to philadelphia for a much deserved hair appointment at my favorite salon. that was followed by three weeks of heavenly rest back home, where i purchased a car and spent some time roaming around chicago with my favorite traveling friend. chicago was a treat after spending so much time in philadelphia. my lovely philadelphia... how much i've missed it. who would have thought?

destined to be sent to sunny california, where my skin would surely roast off in less than a month, i packed up a good bit of my favorite clothes, shoved everything into my little car, and drove to oceanside, california with my father. we took hwy 40 and route66 for the three day trip and had a very nice time. dad stayed in california for an extra couple days, during which time we explored the area and put our feet into the pacific ocean for the first time.


after a week and a half i was on my way up to port hueneme, california north of los angeles, for more of my training. i thought california was supposed to be sunny, but apparently this area has decided to rebel. how lovely.

i've accumulated a whole bunch of random stuff here and am constantly looking to purchase things that remind me of people i miss and all the things i left behind at my dad's. i miss my drawings and all of my beautiful things.

good news though, plans have changed and eventually i will be back in philadelphia for a two year assignment. funny how i thought i'd be leaving forever, moved all my stuff to the midwest, just to be sent back approximately 9 months later. i wonder if the city missed me too.