back.
back; in this city that i left approximately 10 months ago. the first week of december i drove away with all my belongings and brought them back the first week of august. it's been almost a month and a half since then and i have yet to really settle in. perhaps it has something to do with the fact that the routine is different and everything to do with the fact that i am different. the streets look and feel the same, but they don't recognize me. my room is welcoming, but the rest of the apartment has remained neutral.
the people i knew here are not so different either; again, it's me. while some people have to travel the world to find themselves and often come home more confused, i realized much more about myself and what is important in my life while cut off from the world than i ever imagined possible. when everything about you is taken away: your clothes, your belongings, your personality, your opinion, your loved ones, friends, and even your hair... when you look like everyone else and have to lock up emotions and any trace of the person that you are inside of yourself, you know exactly what you want. pale faced and exhausted, you hold onto an image of the person you were before arriving, and in many ways it was like seeing myself for the first time. all the freedoms that we take for granted and the pettiness of so many things... it all disappears.
because of this, i've made goals. i know where i want to go,who i am now, and who i want to be in the future. i don't want my life to be something that simply happens to me. i hardly think this is being controlling and anal, but rather a step in taking responsibility for myself and what happens in my life. if the world is what you make of it, then you have to get off your ass and start making it into something.
and maybe i'm not so different after all. maybe i'm the same old me, but more aware of who that person actually is. me; simplified.
